Humor

Well what were you expecting?

While I will try to keep this "G" rated it may not always be politically correct.

I tend to find humor in everything and everyone no matter race, gender, etc. I am a firm believer that we should be able to enjoy a laugh. However I have also found that humor is a very subjective thing. What I find funny may not be funny to you. So with that in mind read at you own risk.

If you are offended by anything then you should leave this page now.

DaD Jokes

When does a joke become a dad joke?
     When it becomes a-parent.

What has 5 toes but isn't your foot?
     My foot.

Which one is faster? Hot or Cold?
     Hot because you can catch a  Cold.

What do you  call  an  old  snowman?
     A glass of water.
     Puddes

What did the Magician say to the fisherman?
     Pick a cod and  cod.

What do you call a spider  with 10 eyes?
     A spi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-der

What doo duckhunters like to eat with thier cheese?
      Quackers.

Why caan't you hear a pterodactyll going to the bathrooom?
     Because the  "P" is silent.

Soombody asked me "Where did your syster to hunting?"
     I said  Alaska.
     He said "Never mind I'll ask her myself".

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
     A poouch  potato.

Diarrhea is hereditary, It  runs  in your genes.

I have 2 unwritten  rules,
       1. .... and 2.

Church Humor

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into heaven?" 
"NO!" the children answered. 
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" 
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
By now I was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked them again. 
Again, they all answered, "NO!" 
I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

"Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly."

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!" His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you know what the Bible means?" The son replied, "I do know!" "Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?" "That's easy, Daddy." the young boy replied excitedly, "It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' 

A Sunday School teacher decided to have his second grade class learn Psalm 23, one of the most quoted texts from the Holy Bible. 
He gave the kids a month to memorize the whole chapter. One of the girls was really excited about it, but she simply couldn't memorize the Psalm. Although she practiced hard, she could hardly get past the first few lines. 
So the day came for the children to recite Psalm 23 before the school board and that little girl was nervous. 
When her turn came, she stepped up to the microphone and proudly said, "The Lord is my Shepherd and that's all I need to know!"

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters. 
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her Mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." 
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. 
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. 
She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing. 
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night.

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances." During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up." At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

The pastor recalls "After a worship service a mother of a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, 'If you don't be quiet, the preacher is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!' It worked."

Childrens prayers

3-year-old James: "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen." 

One particular four-year-old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" 
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" 
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years.
You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine." "Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. 
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. 
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." 
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, 
"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" 
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, 
"The word was...CELEBRATE!!! "

Catholic school test answers.

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. if you know the bible even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the bible were written by children. The spelling has not been modified.
1.In the first book of the bible, guiness. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2.Adam and eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was Joan of the ark. Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.

3.Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.

4.The jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic genitals.

5.Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

6.Samson slayed the philistines with the ass of the apostles.

7.Moses led the jews to the red sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.

8.The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert afterwards, Moses went up to mount cyanide to get the ten commandments.

9.The first commandments was when eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11.Moses died before he ever reached Canada. then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of geritol.

12.The greatest miracle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he actually obeyed him.

13.David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in biblical times.

14.Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15.When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the magna carta.

16.When the three wise guys from the east side arrived they found Jesus sacked in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on Jesus head.

19. Jesus enunciated the golden rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. he also explained a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20.It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to actually get the tombstone off the entrance.

21 The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22.The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

23.One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan..

24.St.Paul cavorted to christianity. he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.

25.Christians have only one spouse.This is called monotony.

Remember...these were children that answered and spelled these answers

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth? 
A. Ruthless.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? 
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquid...ation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? 
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? 
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles all left in one Accord. 

Q.. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? 
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? 
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant law breaker in the Bible? 
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? 
A. The area around Jordan the banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible? 
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark? 
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groan...)

PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee? Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . 'He-brews'

A young boy arrived to Sunday School class late. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

To which the boy replied, "Yes he did. My dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

Indian Hills, Colorado Community Center Signs

See the signs here

The first step is admitting you're the problem

I can't believe it's been a year since I didn't become a better person.

Your debt will stay with you if you can't budge it.

My new stair lift is driving me u; the wall.

I prefer my kale with a silent K.

Had w wookie steak last night, it was a little chewy.

Big shout out to my fingers.... I can always count on them.

Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.

If your fridge is running.... I'd vote for it.

Can't get up to vote? You may have electile dysfunction.

Remember, if the world didn't suck we'd all fall off.

A book hit my head and I've only my shelf to blame.

Where there's a will there's a relative.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up-over"?

The chains on my mood swing just snapped.......RUN.

If you suck at playing the trumpet.... That's probably why.

Bad puns ...that's how eye roll.

Eat alphabet soup... Have a vowel movement.

When you're down by the sea and an eel bites your knee, that's a moray.

Shenanigans - because life is more fun when you're up to something.

He who laughs last .... didn't get it...

I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet, I don't know Y.

Electricians have to strip to make ends meet.

Save the earth, it's the only planet with chocolate.

Don't let anyone call you average...That's just mean.

Some people are wise, some are otherwise.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Resolutions: In one year and out the other.

Forklift operators hate our puns...They find them unpalletable.

I hate tacos said no Juan ever.

Procrastination is a dish best served eventually.

I call my horse Mayo and sometimes Mayo neighs.

Drugs are not the answer unless the question is ... Narcotics - 5 letters.

My friend in Quebec is a heavy drinker... in fact he drank Canada dry.

The last thing I need is a burial plot.

The man who invented Velcro has died.... RIP

Police toilet stolen! Cops have nothing to go on.

Live is short, smile while you still have teeth.

Tupperware lids are like snowflakes; No two are alike.

Relish today... Ketchup tomorrow.

With sufficient thrust, Pigs fly just fine.

Eyes on the road and head out of your apps.

Treat each day as your last. One day you will be right.

I am responsible for what I say, Not for what your understand.

Remember, as far as anyone knows, we're a normal community.

Be the person your dog thinks you are.

without me it's just aweso.

We're rich. We found gold in the stream on this property. Pan for free.

A seminar on time travel with be held here 2 weeks ago.

Ill take the high road you take the physo path.

If clowns attack, to for the juggler.

Award winning cow... Out standing if field.

People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glass

Sweet dreams are made of cheese who am I to dis a brie?

If a man speaks in the forest and no woman hears.. Is he still wrong?

Here's a joke for all you mindreaders out there.

The karma caffe has no menu, you get served what you deserve.

He who laughs, lasts.

All this talk about death by chocolate, yet chocolate still roams free.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.

It isn't how far you fall, but how high you bounce.

Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

I danced like no one was watching, my court date is pending.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Hedgehogs: Why can't they jus share the hedge?

90% of the ocean is unexplored - still don't believe in mermaids?

Improve your memory, do unforgettable things.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Sea monsters eat fish and ships.

Reflections

If Olive Oil is made from Olives and Sunflower Oil is made from Sunflowers, what is Baby Oil made from? Just asking

Growing Older Humor

Denny's Poems and Quotes - General humor Well done.

THE SENILITY PRAYER: 
Grant me the senility to forget the people 
I never liked anyway, 
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and 
the eyesight to tell the difference.

I've sure gotten old!   
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, 
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes 
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, 
take 40 different medications that 
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. 
Have bouts with dementia. 
Have poor circulation; 
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, 
I still have my driver's license!

Know how to prevent sagging? 
Just eat until the wrinkles fill out.

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?  
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!  

Reporters interviewed a 104-year-old woman. 
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. 
'No peer pressure.'

Elderly Man Thinks Fast
An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man thought for a second and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator!'

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

"Every day I strive to disprove the experts theories of aging."
Aging with Humor
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes  scattered over Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old
because you stop laughing.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! My theory on aging is that I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and many of the roads weren't paved.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is better than being young.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

George Carlin Quotes

• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,

"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

• What if there were no hypothetical questions?

• If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

• Is there another word for synonym?

• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

• What was the best thing before sliced bread?

• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

• How is it possible to have a civil war?

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

• If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

• If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?