Humor

Well what were you expecting?

While I will try to keep this "G" rated it may not always be politically correct.

I tend to find humor in everyone no matter race, gender, etc. I am a firm believer that we should be able to enjoy a laugh. However I have also found that humor is a very subjective thing. What I find funny May not be funny to you. So with that in mind enjoy.

If you are offended by anything then you should leave this page now.

IT Humor

User Friendly is a website that pokes fun at the IT industry. Making my living in IT I find some of these way to close to true.

Reflections

If Olive Oil is made from Olives and Sunflower Oil is made from Sunflowers, what is Baby Oil made from? Just asking

Growing Older Humor

Denny's Poems and Quotes - General humor Well done.

THE SENILITY PRAYER: 
Grant me the senility to forget the people 
I never liked anyway, 
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and 
the eyesight to tell the difference.

I've sure gotten old!   
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, 
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes 
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, 
take 40 different medications that 
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. 
Have bouts with dementia. 
Have poor circulation; 
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, 
I still have my driver's license!

Know how to prevent sagging? 
Just eat until the wrinkles fill out.

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?  
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!  

Reporters interviewed a 104-year-old woman. 
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked. 
'No peer pressure.'

Elderly Man Thinks Fast
An elderly farmer in Florida had a large pond down by his fruit orchard. One evening he decided to go down to the pond and took a five gallon bucket to pick some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard female voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in the pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man thought for a second and said, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or to make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator!'

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

"Every day I strive to disprove the experts theories of aging." Aging with Humor An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! My theory on aging is that I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and many of the roads weren't paved.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember Algebra.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is better than being young.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

George Carlin Quotes

• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,

"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

• What if there were no hypothetical questions?

• If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

• Is there another word for synonym?

• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

• What was the best thing before sliced bread?

• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

• How is it possible to have a civil war?

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

• If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

• If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?